I Needed This. Maybe You Did Too.
Something has been on my mind a lot recently. With the move to Colorado about two months behind us and a job still not locked down, I spend most of my days at home. Writing, working on my blog, *trying* to train my dog, job hunting, grocery shopping, you name it. Literally anything that I can do from the comfort of my couch, I have been doing.
BUT all the alone time (although I am grateful for the break) brings up a lot of thinking time. Out of nowhere, high anxiety kicks in and usually small depression waves linger in the background ready to come crashing in. My thoughts tend to swirl together until I take a much needed breath and sort out coherent sentences.
Lately, once my mind settles down after a walk with my dog or calming yoga session I tend to linger on thoughts of my friends. Particularly the ones back home. I can't help but miss them. I have started to create a new "normal" here in Loveland, but so far it hasn't quite matched up to the routine I had back in Omaha. I miss my routine of friends. I miss the coffee dates and bar hopping. I miss being able to see random people I knew at the grocery store.
Since I have left home and started to build up my website, I spend a lot of time on social media. From posting, to following random people in hopes they'll see my blog content, to catching up with my Omaha friends, to learning to let go of (in other words "unfollow") those who may no longer bring a smile to my heart, to stalking my own profiles and happily reminiscing on fun memories, social media--as we all know--is both a blessing a curse. And BOY does it make me think of my friends all day, every day.
It also makes me think of the opportunities I missed on being a better person. Yes, I follow this person on Twitter but did I even have a conversation with them in person? Yes, this person was my best friend and we had our differences but did I truly listen to her the best I could to help her when she needed it? Yes, I got to work with amazing people every day but did I tell them that enough? Did I give enough chances to MYSELF for being even a decent human being?
The answer to these questions: no.
However hurt I feel now whether it's from old friends who I've lost contact with, or old professors who I wish I could thank one more time, I know that I will only grow from now.
As will you. Any pain you have been feeling will only help to propel you to where you're supposed to be. Don't forget that. Please don't forget that.
Something I've learned while reflecting back on the last couple of years that I think everyone could use:
We are all humans. We all make mistakes. We all more than likely have hurt someone either intentionally or unintentionally. We all have the capability to be someone else's toxicity whether we know it or not. And yes! This means we can all still be toxic even if we had no intention to be or had no clue that we were the problem. But ya know what?
Forgive them. Forgive yourself.
Forgive them now. Forgive them later. Forgive them for what they've said. Forgive them for what they've done. Forgive deep from your heart, not just from the surface. Forgive yourself because you deserve peace. However, they ALSO deserve peace. Whether you're fighting, not talking, killed the man, or are attempting to play along with their charade without fully commiting to forgiving them, it's time. You can say an apology to them or you can take a deep breath, commit within yourself and forgive them without saying a word out loud.
Something else I've learned?
Don't take everything so personally. Everyone has their reasons. Sometimes it may seem cruel, other times it may not even be about you, but all about them. Live your life for you and don't worry so much about them. You are you. You are not them. You don't have to let them ruin you.
Please remember, you are loved. You are so, so loved. From your friends, your family, myself, even the ones you probably don't like you, you'd be surprised homies! If you ever need to chat, I'm always an email away (or text, or call, or DM, or whatever your prefered communication style is, I got you no matter what). I always try my best to be an open, honest, kind, ear when needed.